When someone says something like “Well you’re not really a [fill in the blank] because you don’t [fill in the blank]” what they are telling you is that they adhere to the One True WayTM of kink and that you should too.
Never heard of the One True WayTM? What kind of kinkster are you?!
The One True WayTM has been around a long, long time. I first heard about it 20 years ago when I was told I wasn’t a real domme because of a whole laundry list of transgressions to the One True WayTM, including not being all that into chastity, or leashes, or subs crawling around on the floor, and the big one – forced feminization. I also don’t wear anything remotely Domme-y when I’m topping. I own zero latex catsuits. I can’t wear very high heels because I have hardware in an ankle.
If you are a sub you may not follow the One True WayTM if you have limits, or boundaries, or aren’t fully naked and submitting 24/7.
The One True WayTM tries to tell you that you cannot be part of the community if you do not adhere to what is, let’s be truthful here, a predominantly cis, hetero white male-gaze fantasy.
New people find this community every day. I am here to tell them that there is no one true way to do any of this, other than with consent. The best teachers will tell you that, and encourage you to find what makes you feel good regardless of what labeled boxes the One True WayTM crowd tries to jam you in.