Monogamy should not be a limiting construct. Healthy monogamy does not require that you be together 24/7, that you like all the same things, or that you share all the same friends. The primary tenet of monogamy is that both partners are fully vested in the intimate bond between two people. This creates a stability of focus that allows the dynamic to deepen over time. Without that stability, there is always a question of priority and commitment—both emotionally and practically.
Intimacy with another person splits focus. It changes priorities in very real ways. If you’re sharing intimate time with someone else, you’re not sharing it with your primary partner. You lose focus. You have to recalibrate when you come back. Time has passed, and the outside intimate experience has shifted the DNA of the relationship.
No one person can be all things to another—but that’s not a raison d’être for polyamory in a pragmatic sense. Friendships, work, social groups, hobbies, etc., all create a full life outside of a binary intimate partnership.
When one partner identifies as polyamorous and the other as monogamous, they will never be able to share a focus that allows for true freedom of growth—either in depth or breadth of the relationship. The primary foundation is built on unstable ground, where things might shift at any time. While we can’t predict the future, one partner’s polyamory essentially guarantees that there is no stable future state for the dynamic. The only question is when it will become untenable.
The monogamous partner may stay for a myriad of reasons—sometimes (perhaps often) for unhealthy ones. At the end of the day, some majority of each party’s needs must be met, but there will always be an emotional deficit in a mismatch of relationship styles.
Neither relationship type is more evolved or better. Each, however, is an orientation—not just a preference. The polyamorous person can no more become monogamous than the monogamous person can become non-monogamous. While a compromise toward monogamy is often easier to maintain in a practical sense, the non-monogamous partner must be willing to curtail certain desired activities.
In a couple where there is a mismatch in relationship style, the polyamorous person will always be trying to bake a whole cake, and the monogamous person will always get the crumbs. It is inevitable. The only question is how long the monogamous partner can sustain themselves on crumbs.
No well-executed relationship is a waste of time, not even one where the partners’ relationship styles are at odds. Communication is key, as is a willingness to consciously uncouple should the dynamic become unsustainable. Being open and honest about feelings and insecurities is paramount—but even more important is listening, understanding, and having empathy for the other person’s needs.