Someone on Reddit reached out to me to ask for some advice. He and his wife were working on their developing FLR. It was a pretty common scenario – husband realizing he was submissive, wife comfortable in leading the household, but where do we go from here. This was my reply. The usual caveats of this being my own experience apply – if you’re a Domme you may love washing dishes, etc.
It sounds like you are off to a good start. One thing you both should remember is that female led relationships happen all over the world all the time and it’s not really a crazy kinky thing. Many, many women lead households.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term “golden retriever boyfriend”. It’s kind of a silly label but it is actually a good way to describe a submissive male partner with a service mindset. You do not want her to lift a finger to wash dishes for example. You open all the doors for her, carry all the things. My partner does all the household chores from mowing the lawn to doing laundry to sweeping the floors to feeding the dogs. A really great metaphor I heard that resonated with me is that in this relationship I am the CEO and he is the COO. We set the mission statement together but I steer the ship and do the quarterly planning and he does the day-to-day “in the weeds” work.
I have ADHD so my partner is also my personal assistant. He keeps track of my own to-do lists, grocery lists, does research on restaurants for when we travel, etc.
Now to introduce the kinky side of it… that is definitely a little trickier. The first thing you should do is to sit down on your own and make a list of your wants and needs. Be very clear about it. That may include behavior like kneeling every morning and presenting her with a cup of coffee. Then I would encourage you to encourage her to do the same. This is really more about your sex life and how you are expressing your intimacy between you.
She may not have any interest in any of that at all. I obviously don’t know what your current sex life is like, nor do I really need to know. If she is not interested in tying you up and using you, or putting you in chastity, or feminizing you, or whatever is on your wants and needs list, you need to honor that 100%. No is a complete answer.
Listen to her wants and needs first before you present your own. This will give you a good idea of what she is thinking about and what her comfort level is.
I’ll be honest. One of the biggest mistakes that men like you make is making it all about your own personal desires. The question I ask women in this situation is what are you getting out of this? So that’s what you need to ask yourself – what is my partner getting out of this? It needs to be something very specific and useful to her and something that she actually wants.
It may be helpful to also see if you can find a local couple’s therapist who specializes in alternative relationships and is kink aware. Have that information at the ready in case it seems like an idea she might be open to, to help her feel more comfortable and help you make this change in your relationship.