It’s a topic that comes up a lot in BDSM forums and in conversations with kinky friends of mine.
I tend to date more vanilla than I do kink because a) there’s more vanilla available, and b) I don’t find a lot of submissive men that fit my dominance style. So I’ve got some experience in this situation and felt I should share in case it’s helpful to someone else.
I generally define “kinky” as things and activities that are fetishy – enhancing or required for some type of psycho-sexual satisfaction.
I’ll preface this by saying that your mileage may vary and I’m talking from a female dominant, heterosexual perspective, and my fetishes/kinks/preferences are unique to me. I’m also talking about relationships – not one or two night stands.
Let me also just get this out of the way: I am all about the sex. 90% of my kink has to do with sex, sexual contact, sexual whatever. To stick in a relationship there needs to be a lot of chemistry and he needs to be a pleaser with a high sex drive. Of course there also needs to be good conversation and similar interests in what we do outside the bedroom, but I prioritize my sexual health and satisfaction.
So you can see why vanilla can work for me. And it does – up to a point. Eventually I’m gonna need some extra hot sauce to keep my attention though because I am a sadist.
Start early.
The most important advice I have to start with is bring up your kinks early. Like… REALLY early. If there’s an opening on the first date I bring it up. I’m not going to date someone for 6 months and then surprise them. There was so much chemistry with one of my partners on the first date that we bypassed all the usual chit chat and got straight to the good stuff so it was easy. He asked me outright if I was kinky. If your first date is chit chat then maybe wait until date #2 or #3, but when sex comes up you need to talk about STIs, and what turns you on. In that order.
Be direct.
Don’t be coy. When a date whispered in my ear “So are you kinky?” and I whispered back “Oh yes indeed.” and he whispered back “You like to be tied up?” I laughed and said “Absolutely not. Other way around babe.”
That might have scared him off and that would have been okay. I’m not going to change who I am or what I want for any man, for any reason. But I trusted the insane chemistry we were having, and since he is sex positive and open-minded I knew we could continue the conversation (which we did).
But not too direct.
A partner asked me to tell him the kinkiest thing I’ve ever done and I declined to give details. He wasn’t ready for that.
Don’t overwhelm.
Next key piece of advice – don’t flood them with information and scenarios. Would I love to get to a place where there’s bondage gear and rubber all over the place and I’m marking my man’s sweet ass with a cane? Ummm yeah! But talking about that happening on the second or third or possibly even the thirtieth time we’re having sex is only for porn fantasies.
Prioritize your kinks.
Bondage is my base so I always start with that. I told a date I would very much like to strap him to the bed. He had a bad experience where he was in handcuffs and whoever put him in them couldn’t find the keys. I didn’t laugh – it’s not funny at all and shows how those of us who actually practice kink with intention have our shit together. I told him I have handcuffs AND keys but I also have other things like bondage tape and leather cuffs. I also said that bondage can be mental so it was not always about bringing out the gimp suit and suspension rig. He asked me why I liked tying men up and I told him that it REALLY turned me on. He’s now willing to negotiate bondage.
Negotiate as if your relationship depends on it, because it does.
Because I’ve had partners without much BDSM experience we are going to talk about exactly what’s going to happen when he gives up physical control to me. If I got him strapped down and then brought out the Wartenberg wheel and we hadn’t talked about that (and I hadn’t let him try it when we weren’t in the middle of sexy time so he knew what it felt like) that would be very not cool and potentially the end to all the amazing sex I’m getting.
Generally , stick to the plan.
Can I improvise? As long as I’m clear what might happen and we discuss the boundaries of that for him of course I can. Maybe we’re in a relationship and we’ve had plenty of big kabuki sex already. But improvise does not mean bringing out the Wartenberg wheel or evil stick or putting a ball gag in his mouth.
Pay attention.
He may not know how he’ll react once he’s bound and things start heating up. I can’t get so excited that I’m not paying attention to his verbal and non-verbal feedback. He’s not kinky, remember, so we may not do a safeword per se since it’s not something he’s used to using but if he says “stop” I know he’s going to mean it.
This is not about pushing comfort levels. This is about building trust with someone you care about and who needs to have nothing but positive experiences with kink. It’s YOUR JOB to honor that trust no matter what, and no matter which side of the slash you’re on.
Escalate at their pace.
Back to the point of not overwhelming your vanilla partner – don’t think because you had a great time with the whole strapping to the bed thing that you can then bring out a flogger next time. Keep the conversation open – allow them to be curious and to choose when they are willing to try something else. Maybe your partner will want to explore your toy box – let him pick what he wants to try (if anything).
Understand the difference between being kinky and being open.
A partner may not like bondage the way kinky people who like bondage like bondage. He may do it because it pleases me immensely and I’m going to make sure he has a good experience. He may discover his own kinks along the way or he may not. As long as he’s open and I respect his limits we’ll do just fine and my vanilla relationship will be very satisfying in all regards for both of us.
You can’t make someone kinky. What you can do is have an open and honest and continuing dialogue about what you both need from the relationship – emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Mental D/s may be harder.
Let’s say you are a subby guy who feels that a female-led relationship is the cat’s meow. You’re 6 months into a relationship with a gal you really like, who you *think* has dominant tendencies, and you want this to move into a more formal D/s situation.
You may be shit out of luck now that you’re 6 months in.
But if this is super important to you then you need to start talking. All the points above are still valid even if it’s not about the sex. You need to break down your ask into bite-sized pieces and you need to figure out how to VERBALIZE something that is sometimes kind of hard to verbalize. If it’s not about the sex then what is it about? Do you want her to make all the daily life as a couple choices? Do you want her to enforce a bi-weekly mani-pedi for you? Do you want her to put you over her knees and spank you if you skip a week?
Don’t lose sight of the fact that it takes both of you talking and negotiating for this to work. You need to give to get. Especially for you subby guys – what is she going to get out of this dynamic that will be satisfying for her that has nothing to do with what you want?
Use your words and be willing to lose the relationship if in fact her having dominant tendencies was much more a projected hope and not the reality of her.
Regardless of your kink preference take it from someone with a lot of life experience – subverting an entire part of yourself for someone who you can’t have these conversations with ultimately ends badly. So you can either just hold out for a perfect kink match or you can learn how to negotiate kink in an otherwise fantastic vanilla relationship.