I was very lucky in that I “grew up” as a Domme outside of any community. No internet, not in Leather, erotica/porn was just in print or VHS that you had to buy or rent.
How I Domme is how and who I am. It was not shaped at an early age by porn or anything else, really. I was never judged (until the internet came along) and therefore never compared myself to other femdoms.
As I got older and more comfortable in my own skin, I grew into my Domme-ness in all aspects of my life. I rejected and then completely vomited all over the patriarchal norms I saw and experienced all around me. I still adore men, but they now always get the side-eye. Giving them the benefit of the doubt just because of maleness does not happen anymore. I maintain a strict motto of “chicks before dicks,” and no, that doesn’t mean I’m bi. It means I will drop everything, including a man, for female friends. Men are not centered in my life, and that includes even things like my entertainment choices in movies and TV.
My admittedly somewhat hardcore feminism and dominant self are intertwined like strands of DNA. I have zero idea how any women are submissive to men. Like, really. Completely, utterly, absolutely foreign concept to me, in and out of the bedroom. Since I give women 100% agency to do whatever they want with their badass selves, I’m not making that a judgment. It’s just, yeah, totally weird to me.
Even if I hadn’t turned out to be a sexual sadist, I’d still be Domme-ing in my relationships.
But I did also happen to turn out to be a sexual sadist—yay! I’ve gone through periods where it hasn’t been at the forefront of an otherwise satisfying relationship, but I can tell you that odds are I’ll not do without again.
I’m a bit of an outlier with my combo of Domme-ness and sexual sadism. At least, I feel like an outlier and sometimes an outsider. I like FLR D/s but have no interest in a total power exchange. I am mad about bondage and sadism but have no interest in doing so in front of other people. I’m not an exhibitionist nor a voyeur. I find public play, as a spectator, to be pretty boring and slightly silly. I am not turned on by watching someone, even another woman on a man, cane someone.
And if I’m not turned on, what’s the point?
The biggest point about feminism for me is the ability for women to stand up, speak their truth, and be their most authentic selves without being concerned about judgement. I strive to live this every day, inside and outside the kink community.