Recently I played in public (in a dungeon, not vanilla public) for the first time in probably about 30 years. My partner wanted us to have that experience together and I stepped way outside of my comfort zone to do it for him.
I don’t play in public for two main reasons. The first and most straightforward is that I’m not an exhibitionist. The second and more complicated reason is that I’m a sadist. Kink is very intimate for me – very sexual. I don’t really kink without sex and vice versa.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to react – if I was going to be triggered, or feel awkward being watched. There were a lot of unknowns. I had a lot of anxiety about it.
I survived.
My partner asked if I had fun. Others have asked if I had a good time.
Here’s the answer…
I did not have “fun”, or a “good time”. It was fine, and it’s okay that it was just fine. I’d do it again, just with earplugs and my own need for aftercare (I disassociated pretty hard).
Topping in a dungeon is, by its very nature, performative. I didn’t mind people watching but I was not interested in performing for anyone. I’m not showing off my flogging skills or how hard I can use a cane, and I’m not a super creative roleplayer. It was difficult enough in that environment just to stay connected to the body that was in front of me.
My partner picked the theme – bondage and impact – and picked the instruments. I just showed up and did the service. He enjoyed the experience and I’m glad. That was the point.
When we are in private I’m a whole other beast and am completely in my element. I am heavily rewarded for my labor at home and I’m free to be the core of me. That’s not happening in a dungeon.
However, since I do get that intimate time with my partner I’m okay with hitting the dungeon every now and then as a gift to him. I’m pretty sure that I won’t be topping anyone else any time soon despite me joking about it. It feels way to much like dispensing, which is another reason I don’t do public play.
So yeah, it was fine.