We all rolled our eyes when Gwyneth Paltrow talked about her conscious uncoupling with Chris Martin. Breakups are supposed to be ugly, particularly celebrity ones. The more I thought about it though I realized that if you go into a breakup with that mindset of intention and respect, you might be able to pull it off with a little more grace than usual – particularly if there are kids involved.
Nobody wants an ugly breakup. Splitting is painful enough at its core without adding piles of drama on top. Yet we humans do it over and over again. We lash out when we are hurt, we get petty, we stop treating our partner like a human being with feelings and their own trauma.
I was in a virtual call about dynamics ending. A piece of advice that really stuck with me was to do this exercise in the beginning of your relationship: We see each other a year from now and we aren’t talking to each other. Why? It’s a great way to start thinking about what would happen that you would stop talking to the person you currently find yourself in love with.
During a rough spot in one of my relationships I wrote up a “conscious uncoupling” document for us both to work on. Initially it felt very grown up and pragmatic. As a dismissive avoidant I liked it – it removed all the emotions from the process. The more I sat with it though the more I realized that it was actually not something I wanted to do. I wanted to acknowledge that the break-up was going to be bad and would affect not just us intimately but the broader community we were in. There was no way I was going to be able to intellectualize my way out of it.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten better with breakups. I really work hard to make sure my side of the street is clean, that I appropriately mea culpa, and that I am releasing someone wishing them nothing but healing and happiness. That’s my own form of conscious uncoupling. You can’t have baggage if you don’t pack it and take it with you.
By being mindful and present and sitting in the discomfort you are also going to grow as a person. If I am with someone for any length of time I want them to affect me in a way that I learn more about myself. Part of my uncoupling process is to do a lot of writing and I always write about how I’ve grown – things about myself that got the spotlight in the crucible that is a breakup. I can go back to that when I’m feeling sad, or angry, and remind myself that there can always be a benefit to every connection we make.