I’ve written before about the challenge of being seen as a kink dispenser – one of the primary reasons I haven’t historically dated in the kink community.
But let’s talk about intimate relationships for a minute. I don’t, as a rule, do those either.
I could say I don’t do them because women end up doing the bulk of emotional labor in het relationships. I could say it’s because I’ve had my heart broken too many times. I could say it’s because not enough men have done enough therapy.
Only two of those reasons are part of the truth, but neither is the reason I don’t usually do intimate relationships.
The cold, hard, fact of the matter is that in the currently trending attachment style theory, I am dismissive. There are reasons for this – it doesn’t develop in a vacuum. You can Google “dismissive avoidant attachment style” and get all the deets. You may also see posts advising people to run far, far away from us. I would advise the same if the avoidant person in question has not done therapy and has no self-awareness.
I have done therapy (lots) and have a lot of self-awareness. I am also pretty brutally honest about it. The silver lining of this particular thing is that I have avoided narcissists and other assholes in my relationships. My BS radar is beyond precision-tuned and I also have zero tolerance for drama of any kind.
All this to say, regarding the subject line of this post, is that there really has to be a substantial benefit for me to push my way through my natural tendencies and into an emotionally intimate relationship. I have to have consistency and super clear communication. I have triggers – “keep me posted”, “let’s play it by ear”, “I might be available on Wednesday”. I also have “out of sight, out of mind”-ism. If you want to maintain an emotional connection you’ve got to be in the same room as me pretty regularly. I can detach at the drop of a hat.
The therapy and self-awareness comes in when I have an intimate emotional connection with someone and I *don’t* immediately detach when triggered. I’ve practiced this a lot with my female friendships and my current partner is reaping the rewards of that work at the moment. I am reaping the benefits of his own self-development and evolution for sure. I have a safe space where I can express my emotions and I trust him to listen without being defensive when I say I’ve been triggered.
Avoidants don’t really fundamentally experience recovery from the state. It’s a bit more like someone who has hallucinations – you develop hacks for telling what is real and what is not. You work hard at being present, and in being honest, and in pushing through a fair amount of emotional discomfort.