I was asked, “What advice would you give to someone who wanted to get involved with the kink community but didn’t know how to start?”
My answer:
The most important thing is to know yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin and learn how to express boundaries in everyday life. Getting into the kink community takes nothing more than showing up at a munch and starting to make friends. It’s really no different than any other “hobby.”
More specifically:
- Go to munches and educational events first. Find your tribe. Just because someone is kinky doesn’t mean they are in your tribe (SERIOUSLY). There’s as much variability in kink as there is in dating profiles.
- If you’re nervous about going to your first munch, contact the organizers ahead of time and let them know it’s your first. Or just mention it when you arrive—most munches have a sign-in table or a welcome person.
- If munches feel like too much, try an educational event. They’re sometimes social, but you can also just sit, take notes, and learn. If you go regularly, you’ll become a familiar face.
Don’t assume anything based on a label.
One reason my partner and I didn’t use the term D/s to describe our relationship at first was because people make assumptions about that label. As our relationship has developed, we’re more comfortable saying, Yes, we are in a D/s dynamic.
I’m a Domme, and people make a shitload of assumptions about me based on that one word.
Yes, labels are useful shorthand, but they are step 0.000000000001 in your development as a kinkster—and even less as a description of you, the actual human being.
Pay no attention to the content in your Fetlife feed.
Not everyone is an exhibitionist. Not everyone is into rope. Not every femdom pegs anything that moves. Not every woman wants double-penetration gang bangs and cum all over her face. Learn to discern fantasy from reality. The sooner you do that, the better your experience will be—and you’ll avoid a TON of disappointment.
It’s cool to be a newbie. Really.
We all started somewhere. It’s radically different now that there’s the internet, but those of us who discovered kink before that still managed to grow, develop community, and find our way. I discovered my kinky self in 1985. Don’t be shy about being new or inexperienced—a proven reputation for honesty is worth its weight in gold.
Not everyone goes to dungeons.
I don’t, as a rule. I’m more likely to go to strictly femdom events where male doms aren’t allowed. Those are rare, and even then, I don’t usually play at them. I’m not an exhibitionist—and it’s totally fine if that’s not your thing either. Most people who consider themselves kinky aren’t even on websites like Fetlife and don’t do anything in public. You’re not a freak or an outsider, though it might feel that way sometimes.
I don’t have any less authority to speak about my experiences or share my wisdom just because I don’t play publicly. I’m not less of a Domme, and you’re not less of whoever you are.
BDSM does not automatically equal sex.
It does for me, but it might not for you. Again, pay no attention to the content in your website feed.
There are no stupid questions.
But definitely read the rules first. Most forums for newcomers have a TON of beginner information in their introductory sections. Read it all, and then reach out if you have more questions or need clarity.
Define yourself for yourself.
No one can tell you what you might like. Spend time in self-reflection, do some reading, and attend educational events. You’ll likely find the thread that starts the tapestry of your kink experience. But pay attention. Always be pondering, always be questioning, and remember that this is a lifelong journey.
That one thread needs other threads to weave with. You’ll gather those through time, experience, and self-knowledge.