A while back I replied to Reddit post about femdom and sadism. Someone reached out to me in my DMs, wanting some further conversation – they had questions. As long as people are respectful I don’t mind this at all. I’ve been doing this thing we do for a very long time and am happy to share my experience and lessons learned.
Rather than post the conversation verbatim I’ve made kind of a FAQ out of it below. Enjoy! And as always, feel free to reach out with your own questions.
I recently read your response to a post called “how does a sadists mind work”. I found two parts of your response exceptionally interesting. You noted that you don’t care if they enjoy it or not, and I found this a bit surprising. What about the act drives you? Is it the reactions of the person you’re hurting?
It’s complicated. I think if you asked any sexual sadist you would get the same answer. I think there is a very fine line between the sexual sadism that people who enjoy BDSM practice and sociopathy. Obviously I practice full consent and my submissive has safe words that he can use. But in my head I would be very disappointed if he used a safe word. Because I just want to keep going.
I feel no guilt or shame for wanting to inflict pain for my own sexual gratification. Again, we are talking about a consensual relationship.
I wouldn’t say it’s not fun, it’s just not fun in the way that a lot of people talk about say spanking someone in a dungeon. Almost like a “Teehee look at the naughty things that we are doing”. It feels almost like a hunger that needs to be fed for me, although even that’s not really quite right.
For me it’s fun in that it’s not a chore. It is something that I enjoy immensely. And of course there are levels. I can spank my sub and that’s kind of a silly fun thing to do. It doesn’t usually trigger my sadism. That’s how I can also do wax, or even flogging. So I guess the reaction of the receiver does have something to do with it in that they should definitely be feeling real pain.
Do you find that it’s more authentic when it’s closer to them wanting to stop? It seems to be where the pain is realest. And of course, there’s no need to feel guilt about it.
I also know you said that it’s not quite hunger, but do you find that you want to indulge more after an interval in which you couldn’t?
That’s a good question regarding the timing. I would say it comes in cycles but the cycles don’t get shorter if I don’t get to do the thing – at least not that I’ve noticed. I have been in a relationship with a partner who was not kinky at all and as long as the sex was a little rough I was good.
Lastly, how much of the pleasure is sexual vs psychological for you?
Sex and psychology are pretty intertwined lol. But I am always sexually aroused by it. My partner and I have talked about doing some humiliation but I am actually a little afraid of that, given my sadistic nature. It’s much easier to stop hitting someone when you reach a certain point even in a frenzy, I’m not sure how easy it is to stop with the psychological sadism. Interesting to ponder.
What constitutes “a little rough” for you? I’m curious what the actual threshold that suffices is I suppose.
A little rough is some biting and pinching usually. I want a flinch.
Is it ever hard to stop with the physical side? I imagine it can take some willpower.
I have been doing this for a very long time and have gotten very good at being in the frenzy but not overwhelmed by it so much that I lose track of the person I’m engaging with. True masochists are very rare so 99% of my partners cannot take the max of what I would dish out and I’m aware of that from the get-go.
Psychological sadism also seems much harder to inflict well. Physical responses to pain are built into us, but pathologies of the mind seem to me like they’d be much harder to exploit.
I’ve got it in me to do some serious psychological damage but that just feels immensely more dark, and down a sociopathic road I have no interest in travelling. Objectification yes, degradation through objectification yes, humiliation and degradation through humiliation no.