The most important piece of advice I can give people here, aside from knowing the three key C’s (Communication, Consent, Condoms), is that there is no One True Way™. None. Zip. Zilch. Anyone who tells you differently is, frankly, full of shit.
I never struggled with my dominant self until I got online (over 25 years ago). Suddenly, I was receiving information that I was doing it all wrong. I know now that, of course, the reason for this messaging was porn—specifically femdom porn.
Not wearing corsets?! Disinterested in chastity?! Not going to micromanage every moment of your submissive’s life?!
Clearly, I was not a True Domme™ practicing BDSM the One True Way™.
Between all that and feeling like a kink dispenser, I didn’t see any value in participating in the community. What did I do? I backed out of the community. I just did my own kinky things with anyone who would let me and, TBH, lived without a lot of kink for a long time.
I also grew as a person. I aged, had experiences, did therapy—all the good things. I hit 50 and lost all the fucks to give. I realized I missed the good parts of the community—the very good people that I wanted in my social circle; the people who were also rejecting the One True Way™ and remaking this world into a better place. So, I came back.
And yes, it’s still the same online: endless treatises and arguments about the One True Way™. The inability for the broader community to evolve with the rest of society in terms of race, gender, and feminism. But there are cracks. I see them locally, in person, which is another reason it’s so important to get offline and into the real world.
What does all this have to do with my post title? Well, dear reader, I’ll tell you.
All D/s means for me is literally, LITERALLY Dominant/submissive. That’s it. It’s an interaction of two people—one of whom is dominant, the other whom is submissive. That’s the only requirement. Past that, it’s whatever YOU decide it is with that other person. So can switches be in a D/s relationship? Of course they can.
“Do you want a D/s relationship?” is a question I get asked again and again and again, and my short answer is no.
The reason my short answer is no is because when I have said yes people want a definition. Some want it so they can wiggle their way into the /s slot with me. Some want it so they can judge me, or feel superior because they are doing it the One True Way™ and I clearly am not. And sometimes people want that definition so they can hold me to it—like relationships never change over time. They want to hold me to a contract of some kind.
I have recently gotten into a relationship with a submissive here on Fet. I never, ever thought I would find someone like this in the community. We are D/s because I am dominant and he is submissive. However we shape the rest of that is going to be so unique to us, so changeable, so not the One True Way™ that does it even matter if it’s never formally defined the way this community likes? It does not.