Someone recently asked me this question, and I’d like to answer it with the usual “cishet unique to me” disclaimer. I’m also going to speak specifically to the first date.
A successful date starts long before the actual date, of course. But let’s assume that we’ve completed all the preliminary chatting and there is mutual interest in meeting in person.
Since it is 2024, I am more than happy to make suggestions about what and where, but it is nice when he has a plan and communicates that to me for my approval. For example, asking me if I’ve been to a specific restaurant and if I like seafood. I said no and yes, and he suggested a time for the day we were both available, and voila—date on the calendar. Consistent communication and confirmation of the plans continued.
Success Marker #1 – Presentation
Gentlemen, I cannot stress how important this is. Like, really REALLY important. You don’t have to be Daniel Craig or Idris Elba, but you had goddamn better be dressing like them. Freshly groomed, dressed well for the occasion, with some sense of fashion, and wearing well-fitting clothes. Even if we are meeting somewhere relatively casual, if you show up in cargo shorts and flip-flops, that’s a first date fail right there, and I’m not going to give you a second chance. I have tried on at least two outfits, I have done my makeup, I’m probably wearing heels, and I smell good—I have made an effort. You making an effort tells me two things: you respect my time, and you respect yourself.
Success Marker #2 – Conversation
So, we are an attractive couple looking sharp, out on our first date. What we do on that date isn’t really important—dinner, movies, drinks, bowling, whatever. The next marker for success is all about the conversation. Are you engaged? Are you asking questions about me and listening? Circling back to something I said? Does the conversation flow naturally with back and forth? Am I thinking at one point that I could sit and talk to this guy all night? Are you thinking the same thing about me?
Success Marker #3 – First Kiss
It can happen during the date, it can happen at the end of the date, but it’s pretty important. It’s my ultimate chemistry check. I like your brain, I like your ass, you’ve made me laugh, and the pheromones are pheromoaning. There’s that amazing pause when you both know the lip-locking is about to happen. DON’T RUSH. Don’t go in and stick your tongue down my throat. A successful first kiss is a turning point. We’ve gone from fun and flirty to literally exchanging DNA. Slow, soft, lower lip-focused, then a pause.
This is where a lot of men start to slide out of successful first date territory, and the number one reason is they rush it. Assumptions are made, and entitlement is activated. I decide if I’m going to sleep with you within the first 15 minutes of this date, and within the first hour, I’ve decided when. The first kiss is not an invitation for you to assume you know the answers to either of those questions.
Success Marker #4 – The Finish
And no, I don’t mean orgasm. Let’s not assume you are one of the super rare and lucky men who get to see me naked on the first date.
It’s a school night. Both of us have to work in the morning. You walk me to my car (or wait for the Lyft with me). There’s a bit more kissing, but there should definitely be talk about what a great night it was and checking of schedules to solidify a second date if we both want that. And it’s totally okay for it to be a one-and-done, as long as communication is clear and respectful. A good date can stand on its own as a nice time without it needing to be the first step on any kind of relationship escalator.
A successful first date means I will go to sleep with the feel of your lips on mine, thinking about your smile, your voice, how sexy you looked, and how respected I felt.