One of the workshops I attended at SELF 2024 was Life$tyle Currency, put on by the always amazing Goddessmw. The discussion got a little off-topic as it tends to do at these events, but the crux of it was identifying wants, needs, and determining what YOUR assets are and which ones to spend on whom and when. It was a good exercise to put down on paper and to talk about later with my partner (we match up pretty well to no one’s surprise).
I think the best part of the exercise for me was to think about my skills, talents, assets and in what circumstances do I spend those (my currency).
I listed:
- I’m nurturing
- I’m confident
- I’m pragmatic
- I’m an extrovert (and then some)
How do I spend those assets? I’m very nurturing with the people who are inside my intimate orbit – my lovers, my friends – but not willing to just spend that on just anyone.
I feel like my confidence can boost other people’s confidence so when I’m interacting in a broader social circle I tend to be a glass half full person and carry others along with me. My confidence can help a less-experienced lover or kinkster be open to learning and exploring. It’s a currency I spend pretty freely.
Being pragmatic can help me help others to manage expectations, or aid in decision-making. In my intimate relationships I don’t like drama so being pragmatic allows me to take a step back and remove a lot of emotional noise. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword but pragmatism in otherwise relatively casual connections is a good skill to have and use. I spend it more where it is most appreciated.
As an extreme extrovert with pretty much zero social anxiety, I can bring people who may be more introverted along with me, or end up being a leader without needing to be a ruler. In relationships it makes me very self-sufficient and adaptable. I don’t think I’m dominant because I’m an extrovert or vice versa but they definitely create a stronger energy I can bring into a kink situation.
I won’t talk about my wants and needs here – that’s a whole other post. But it was a good exercise to see how something like my want for bondage correlates to my need for trust – to trust someone and for them to trust me. Or my want for physical access correlates to my asset of being a nurturing person. Love languages are bullshit but I love touch and it’s how I show attention to a partner both in kink (sadist) and in affection (cuddles and aftercare).