Caveat #1: Cishet perspective.
Caveat #2: You may care, or not. I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind here—just writing down some thoughts I’ve been noodling on.
My partner and I were talking about CFNM events last night, and I asked him about his experiences. He told me about a party he attended, what went on there, and, to be honest, I was pretty turned off and semi-appalled.
If the party is about humiliating the men, making them compare dick sizes, etc., then it’s still all about them. No. That just perpetuates femdom porn tropes.
Femdom, for me, is about centering women and decentering men.
I’ve been to a few CFNM events, and the best ones were kickass women socializing while naked men fetched our drinks and food, lit our cigarettes (yes, this was a while ago), acted as ashtrays or kept ashtrays clean, gave foot or neck rubs, served as towel boys (oh, the pool parties!), etc. Basically, they were manservants—silent for the most part, hyperfocused on anticipatory service tasks, and staying out of our way—so that we women could just hang out and enjoy ourselves.
At one party I attended, we could tie red ribbons on any part of a man’s body to signify the service he had provided. That was their prize—being noticed by one of us. Trust me when I say the service was impeccable.
I generally adore men, despite despising the harm they’ve historically done since the dawn of time. That’s one of the reasons I just can’t do humiliation; my degradation leans more toward objectification than anything else. How does it make me more powerful as a woman to make them look silly and emasculated?
Obviously, if that’s your kink, then you do you.
I’ll say it again:
Femdom, for me, is about centering women and decentering men.
Your opinion may be completely different, and that’s okay. Again, I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind (and certainly not looking to have mine changed). I’ll leave comments open for now in case anyone has something interesting to share about their own journey.