Does the fact that I don’t do public play, or even do casual pick-up play privately, mean that I am less kinky than those who do?
I was at a great munch one night. The discussion was about ways we support our community. But—and I see it again and again in discussions and presentations where we talk about “community”—the message is that we all go to dungeons and play events, and that doing so is the norm and sort of the end goal of how to be in the “community.”
That is not the norm. In fact, I’d hazard a guess that for the whole population of people who identify as some flavor of BDSM, it is actually a tiny percentage of people who go to play events, even when events are plentiful.
Why I don’t play publicly:
- I’m not an exhibitionist at all.
- I’m also not a voyeur, generally.
- My kink is tied very tightly to my sexual expression, so see above.
Why I don’t do casual pick-up play:
See #3 above. I’m not demisexual—I’ve had plenty of sex with people I’ve had a date or two with. I can separate out sex from intimacy with zero problem. But to put someone in restraints and get all sadistically primal—that takes connection and a substantially higher level of physical intimacy than just sex. Can I top someone without a sexual element? I guess… maybe? The people telling me that I should, really, just want free kink from the dispenser. When I have the opportunity to have it my way with a completely willing partner, why would I do any differently?
What I want to give folks as a takeaway here is you don’t have to go to events and play just to be part of the community. The fact that I don’t play in public doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing—I’ve been at this for over 25 years and I haven’t killed anyone yet. I participate in the community by socializing, i.e., attending munches and making friends. I go to educational events. I currently have a primary partner who is very active and known in the local community. I am also always available to coach or support other kinksters in their journey if they find something I’ve written or said to be of use to them.
Don’t feel pressured to go to a play event just to be accepted as a member of the “community.”